Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
