I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
