For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
