haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
