I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
