mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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