Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
