dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You took a bar mat shot.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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