nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
