I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
