Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
