When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
