Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
