I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
