Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
