You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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