That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
