went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
