What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize