my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
