Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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