When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
