Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
