seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
