You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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