My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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