Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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