so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
