Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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