I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
