There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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