someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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