Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
