I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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