Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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