May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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