I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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