Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
