can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
