I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
