Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize