I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
