He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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