can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
