Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
