I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
