Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
