grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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