my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize