Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
