She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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