who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
