Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
