Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
