after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
