why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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