At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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