roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
