i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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