in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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