Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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