I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
