yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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