Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
