I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
